


Mr. Roomba Wins

by DarkmoonSigel



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Roombas, Silly, Tumblr Prompt, almost crack?, but I could totally see them having this convo?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22200826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkmoonSigel/pseuds/DarkmoonSigel
Summary: Tumblr prompt about Roombas.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 170





	Mr. Roomba Wins

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah, so this happened.

It was the latest Big Thing that anyone who was anyone had in their home. Of course, Crowley had to get one, and the demon bought only the best. Even the box it came in looked like some sort of modern art. 

“What is it?” Aziraphale asked as Crowley grandly unboxed the small circular device. 

“It’s a Roomba.” 

“Yes, dear, I gathered that for myself from what it says on the side of the box.” Aziraphale said dryly, “What does it do?” 

“It cleans,” Crowley said with flourish as the Roomba was released from its docking port. “But with style.”

“Ah, hello there, Mr. Roomba.” Aziraphale smiled down at the robot as it gently bumped into the angel before taking off in another direction. It did pause though as if to regard Aziraphale. “It’s cute.”

“It’s not cute!” Crowley spat out. He didn’t buy cute things. This was the very latest model of Roomba, the peak of vacuuming innovation. It looked like it could time travel through space at warp speeds. 

The demon’s outburst made Roomba pause again, but with seemingly more intent this time, but could have been anyone’s imagination. It was just a machine after all. 

“You still haven’t told me what it does.” Aziraphale pointed out, clearly unimpressed. 

“It’s a vacuum, angel, a very fancy expensive vacuum.” Crowley sighed, already disappointed and bored with it. He had been expected more blinking lights, or lasers.

“What exactly would it be vacuuming up?” Aziraphale gestured around at the rather minimalistic flat. “It’s not like we create dust like humans do.”

“Things, stuff, messes,” Crowley said dismissively, unimpressed by the Roomba. The demon was unaware that the feeling was mutual. “Whatever vacuums clean up.”

“But it could starve.” Aziraphale fussed, kneeling down to pat the Roomba as it busily glided by. It gently bumped into the angel again before taking off. “And off it goes, already busy as a bee.”

“The only one starving around here is you.  
C’mon, we’re going to be late.” Crowley said, feeling oddly jealous of the little machine.

“Goodbye, Mr. Roomba.” Aziraphale said, who waved at the Roomba. “You’re doing a wonderful job.”

“Don’t talk to it like it’s people.” Said Crowley who mostly definitely did not wave goodbye to the Roomba.

“I don’t want to be rude.” Was the last thing the Roomba heard, the door closing behind them. It blocked out the rest of their conversation. The demon’s apartment fell into a strained silence, mostly due to the stressed out plants breathing out a sigh of relief all at once.

Now Roombas are, indeed, machines, and are generally not considered to be a sentient, living thing. Keeping that in mind, most Roombas are not owned by a demon, or have been touched by an angel either though.

After extensively mapping out the flat, the Roomba returned to its charging port to considering many new things. Those many new things would be discussed soon enough.

“It’s out to get me.”

“What is, dear?” Aziraphale returned from Crowley’s beautifully modern kitchen to find the demon glaring down at the Roomba. The angel noted that Crowley was bodily curled up in his throne like chair, his scaled ankles protectively tucked underneath him.

“Are you blind?! That thing!” Crowley snapped, gesturing wildly down at the floor.

“Mr. Roomba?”

“Stop calling it that!”

“I don’t know what you’re fussing about. He doing an excellent job, considering you give him nothing to work with.” Aziraphale practically cooed down at the little machine who seemed to be circling the angel, gently bumping him from time to time like an affectionate cat would. 

“Don’t let it do that to you! It will clean take your ankles off!”

“What are you going on about?” Aziraphale wondered, giving the demon a worried look tinged with exasperation. 

“I’m telling you its armed with more than just ill intent.” Crowley glared. The Roomba paused long enough to glare back, an impressive feat considering it didn’t have eyes or a face.

“Would you quit being a silly, and finish getting ready?” Aziraphale sighed. He decided to pop into the demon’s kitchen to make himself a cuppa while he waited. The angel was fairly certain that he had left a biscuit tin here a while back. A while back was sometime during the Victorian Age, but the biscuits knew better. They were as fresh and buttery as the day Aziraphale bought them.

“Damn it, where’d you go?!” Crowley yelled as he sprinted towards the bedroom, the Roomba suddenly hot on his scaled heels. “It’s after me!”

“In the kitchen, dear. Do you want a cup?” Aziraphale called from the kitchen, completely unbothered by the dramatics going on. 

“Yes! To pour over this infernal thing!” Crowley yelled as the demon dove for the bed. 

“Don’t you dare! It’s not Mr. Roomba’s fault that you don’t get on.” Aziraphale tutted as he walked into the bedroom to find Crowley hiding under the sheets in the dead center of his enormous bed. The Roomba was busily circling it. “Would you please finish getting ready?”

“Quit talking about it like it’s alive!” Crowley said, poking his head out. 

“Crowley, I know robots are not alive in the typical sense. I’m not an idiot.” 

“Angel, it’s not a robot.”

“I just don’t want it to get its feelings hurt, is all.”

“It’s not alive!”

“Well, if it’s not alive, then why do you think it’s out to get you?”

“I just do!”

“You’re being ridiculous.” Aziraphale said, rolling his eyes at the demon. “Furthermore, I hope you treat the Bentley better than you treat Mr. Roomba.

“How dare you!?” Crowley gasped, clutched at pearls that weren’t there. “They’re not even in the same league! Not even in the same solar system!”

“That’s a very elitist attitude.” Aziraphale sniffed, clearly unimpressed by the demon’s theatrics 

“Fine! If you love it so much, you take the little shit!”

“You know I have a very certain decorum to maintain in the bookshop. It’s taken me centuries to perfect the current level of dust in there.” Aziraphale said after a moment of thought. “The amount of which might hurt Mr. Roomba after having endured such a lean diet here.”

“Don’t you have a flat above the bookshop?”

“Ah yes, excellent idea, my dear!”

The problem with Crowley’s ideas was that he usually forgot that he had implemented them in the first place. Which was why he ended up on the ceiling of Aziraphale’s flat, hissing down at two roombas. They had gone after his ankles like terriers to a rat.

“Why are there two of the blasted things?!”

“I didn’t want Mr. Roomba to get lonely up here so I got him a little friend.” Aziraphale said as the Roombas happily bumped into the angel, and circled him, much to the demon’s dismay. “This is Dame Roomba.”

“Dame?”

“Yes, I know it’s a little upstairs, downstairs.” Aziraphale said, “But they’ve worked past that.”

“You’ve completely lost your mind.”

“Says the demon currently on my ceiling, refusing to come down because the Roombas are after him. A bit ‘pot, kettle, don’t you think?”

“Ngk.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Your comments get gentle bumps from Mr. Roomba. Your kudos hide with Crowley on the bed.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Fanart] Mr. Roomba Wins](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24372097) by [SkyAsimaru](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyAsimaru/pseuds/SkyAsimaru)




End file.
